3.06pm February 22 2010.

Hi Ireen, I really appreciated that you finally make a call on me. I treasure that moment very much. I'm just having a little doubt, are we getting closer to each other? or are we just maintaining as friends? what is our relationship? I really can't figure it out. However, that doesn't matter anymore. I feel happy being myself here, and i also feel happy knowing that you're happy whenever i chat with you. That is enough for me. Can a guy wait forever? This question pretty challenging because i seldom see any guys manage to achieve that far. I also do not want to end up waiting and cause failure to my own future. I want everyone around me to be happy, especially you. I'm still thinking if the day would ever arrive, the day which i would say "i love you ireen" ? haha. Ppl start accusing you, saying that you're a playgurl, but none of this can affect me badly. Even a playgurl needs to settle down one day and of course, nobody hopes to be victim of marriage failure. Me and you, we will definitely make it there. Just be patient.

Love You As Deep As The Deepest Sea.

A Totally Different Me. 1.05pm 30/1/2010

It has been sometime since i update this blog. I believe this is a good news for me, because it simply means that i haven't been emotional for a long time. :) . I think i've finally understood what it means to be alone. It's not the worst thing that could happen in life, in fact, why do we need to always have relationships? to make ourself happier? It's pretty true that having a relationship before your career starts means puppy love. I have to admit, as humans, we live in jealousy most of the time. However, it makes me ponder how a man could actually be immune to all the things around him. It's simply the focus.

We try to change people around us, but it doesn't work this way. People change when they understand something new, they don't change because we tell them "they suck". If we don't like the people around us, we leave them. There is really no point telling people off, once is enough, twice is waste of time. Ireen, you taught me alot of things, i've finally understood many of them. I remember you whenever i try to understand something new, because you mentioned most of them to me before. I was childish before, and, i don't expect to be matured by force, let things go freely shall we? Anyway, I have decided to leave the game and deleted all my friends from that game as well. Its one way to remove the unnecessary people from my world. I can thank them sincerely deep in me because i know i've learnt something valuable from that game.

2/11/09 . 3.32pm

Finally you came back. But, will it make any changes? No, nothing would changed. Maybe,i still hardly have the courage to face you. How could i face you anyway, we've such a deep misunderstanding. Even if one day, someone clears the air for us, it would really be difficult for me to accept this friendship. I've started to realize that everything started from this game, will eventually end in this game as well. It's rather stupid to guess, who am i to you. I'm a kid in your eyes, but you're not any better in my eyes either. This is life, you get to express yourself more because you're working, you have income. I get to express because i was given a chance by my parents, but, still, listening to them does make me suffer at times. I'll return to my life, and you'll return to yours as well. We don't owe each other anything, if i have to admit that i'm being one sided all the way, i accept it. I admit that i lost in my own game, i checkmated myself, and i was living in my fantasy all the while. Snakekiller was right, he got your trust, or did he? Suddenly i felt as though i was nothing compared to someone who just know you for 1 month? 1 year friendship, to be compared with 1 month, yes, lady, you're really matured to make such comparison. Time will tell, that's what GOD told me. and i shall wait... for a long time.. to know the actual truth of 16/9/09.

29th of October 2009 , 4.20pm

Hello ireen, ;) , i'm very happy today because i've finally received my result. It's an average one, and i'm really suprised to have it. Anyway, i know it's not the standard of engineer that i wish to be. I don't know why many students didn't get good result, but , that's not my concern anymore. I no longer blame you for the past, let bygone be bygone. The god has pave a new a way for me, because HE who brought you to my life, will definitely do the best for me again. I thank god very much till this date, and i realize, everything, could have been planned by god earlier. I do not want to put too much hope in asking for god's help, i'm going to try my best, to the man i want to be. You know, i never serious with anyone after you, well , i know you've been through weird memories during your childhood, i can understand a little, eventhough not everything. We're both from single parents, even if you can't forgive me, i'll still forgive you because i once promised to be your protector, your man.

25/10/09 1.45pm

Hi ireen, it has been a long time since i ever posted here. I did told you that i will never drop this blog, even if it means you're no longer with me. My holiday is finally coming to an end, i've also recovered as much as i should. I took a flight back from Kuala Terengganu to Kuala Lumpur, i thought of you for a moment, i have a little idea of what you've been through on the plane. Ireen, do you agree that our story is over? I'm not going to mention about you in my next post, but rather im going to write my own life journal, what makes me a better person in the future.

All the time, i've been trying to find answers, as to why you acted this way towards me. I know it wasn't my appearance, it was more to my attitude, behaviour. You're right, my personality could hardly change, it's nearly impossible. However, i know what i'm doing, you don't see me lashing out at you often, do you? IF you think i've been rude to you, then you musn't forget that i didnt' like the emojee "o0o" as i've told you before. I asked you for a respect, but you said you love that emojee very much. It is then i thought, any vulgarities between us, is all joke, and nothing was serious. You've proven me wrong.

Gurls can seriously change so fast that i couldn't even cope up with it. I've discussed and complaint to my friends several time. I asked for their opinions, not because i'm trying to make things big, or spreading rumours about you. I'm confused, and i couldn't do anything about it. I had to face my final exams, and i did real bad, real real bad. Yes, your work is important, i agree with it very much, but i've given up my studies to find an answer from you, which you did not provide me a single one even before you leave, do you know how much the moment i was in kedah cost?

I'm a nobody before i know you, but atleast i was one of the top undergradute in my university, but who am i today? I'm worse than a nobody, i'm a failure. How could this happen to me? I'm not going to blame anyone for this. I've lost all my faith in gurls, and i thank you very much for that. Maybe you might be wondering, what could you have done for me for that moment, I can tell you honestly today, that it wasn't the love that i was seeking from you, it is the friendship that we've built so long ago. After 1 year, you make me realize, i'm just a stranger.

Everything you gave me, is so big, so important. Everything i've sacrificed for you, is nothing? This is not how it should be. You make me a realistic person, and i'm happy to be one. People told me that you're afraid of me, you scared that i'll lose control and harm you? To be frank with you, i train alot, i go to gym, i used to love fighting, but , charles never hit anyone before. I'm just preparing myself for the worse, i did not train myself to harm my important person. You wish to be my friend? But you're the one who breaks up the friendship.

Do you think i'm willing to admit that i want you to be my girlfriend? Not at all. I never ever admit it. Everyone knows it. Yes, finally, i've admitted that i love you, then what? You left me when i've finally admitted. You make the whole story change. You make me feel like i'm a fool trying to love someone higher than me. I never use my brain when i chat with you, i never think whether you're trying to fool me or not because i don't doubt the person i trust. It was then 2 stories arises, 1 from you, another from me. No matter it was me who loves you, or you who loves me, only heaven knows what's happening here.

My friends told me, it is not an excuse for you choosing not to meet me. I agree with them very much. After all, what is our status? Friend? Internet Friend? I don't know , honestly. I talked about you with my friends, like you were my closest one, i never mention to them that i actually met you from the internet. Worst of all, meetoto. My mother knows about you, my step sisters, my brothers, and many others. Till this date, i've no courage to tell that my mother that i've been to kedah before my finals. I told her that i've problems with you, and that's going to take a toll on my exams.

Ireen, i've lost alot of things today. Your wish came true, i didn't get my PTPTN loan, and i've to start from the bottom again. I don't know how far am i going to fail this time, but in a realistic world, it is nearly impossible for me to be with you again. We're not really that suitable for one another right? No trust, no understanding, nothing. I've met another young lady from meetoto, she's just 16, and she accompanied me during my final exams. I'm not going to lie to you, i think i like her already. I'm going to play real smart today, she's 16, so i won't trust every words from her. She needs time to grow. Remember how i took the trap from Miyako because You and Desmond(mrstranger) accused me for flirting with her? To you, showing webcam is something different, it goes the same to me.

However, i don't trust a single words from anyone. I just believe in actions, and myself. I cannot afford to make another mistake due to relationship problems. Do you know how guilty i was to take money from my mother when i knew i actually disappoint them in my studies? My mother continue to love me, because she believes, i am one of the hope of my family. Maybe you've forgotten, my parents left me when i was 8. I am not any luckier than your brother. IF you think he lacks of love, where do you think i'm going?

I cannot live my life with someone unforgiving. I know i'm the type that will make many mistakes in life, basically, the way i think is seriously different with many people. During secondary, i was an anti socialist. I changed only when i stepped into university, and that will still make an impact on me. In of my post here, you saw that i actually asked for words of encouragement from you before you leave, but did you even send me a sms or called me before you leave? What were you thinking at that time? I seriously , blank.

Maturity is different matter. Do not mix your job with love. Love is Love, Money is Money. Charles did not love you for your money, charles did not ask you to choose between money and love, but all i want is for us to be happy together everytime, no matter whether we're couples or not. Till this date, i won't admit you as my girlfriend. We were never, once, a couple. If you leave with a happy mind, it's good for you, but nothing goes well for me. Am i selfish? or is it the opposite? I don't know. Perhaps, im being too kind over here. I shouldn't have tried to be important to you, or, did i ever been important to you? or is it just your words that make me a fool?

I seriously cannot figure out why is it so difficult for us to leave each other happily. Why? Does it has to be sad everytime? I don't understand. To me, i can leave happily, anyone, anytime. But, i always want to make sure the others are happy too. That is why, i never left meetoto until last nite. Because maylynne did alot for me to stay in meetoto, she voted me to be a forum moderator, she supported me whenever im sad. To list the person who stayed with me during my hell moment, there's alot. But who understand what's going on here? Maybe nobody.

For those who thought that i've hurt you, or harm you, today, charles is going to tell each and every one of them, that it's idiotic to harm a person that you love. Moreoever, she's important to me. She broke my heart, she shaken my faith, she make me choose between her and my studies, she did many things, never a lady could have done this to me. Ireen's a legend in my life ;)

8/10/09 12pm

hi reen ;) , finally i've completed my exam , hmm, quite tough, but i think i still can make it through this time, hopefully. Tomorrow will be a new day for me, i hope i can decide what i want to do in the future, what's really important to me. Honestly, i've been really stupid few weeks back, but i really cannot control my feelings and emotions, and worst of all , it has already affected me badly this time. I don't wish to blame anyone for this, we just have to admit, we have different thinking, we cannot combine our world, or can we? I don't think so, i just realize, there are many types of maturity, somehow, i don't think your decision was correct, i don't know why, after thinking for so long, i start to think that it's not only me that is selfish, you're even worse isn't it? well, you can deny all you want. Your aim in life is to earn alot of money, that to you, is a success. Yes, to me, money is really important, but losing you is equally as important as that. I think i will continue living on, without you. But, i know i've found the true meaning of love, and what's love without being there with them ;).. hehe

30th September 2009. 3.06pm

It takes awhile before we can really understand the fact that we cannot change the way someone thinks. I've tried my best to be forgiving, but did you ever thought of forgiving me? Maturity, is something that is subjected to many types of views.

Having alot of money, earning big monies, is that one of the measures to maturity? In my opinion, it's the concept u've adopted throughout your experiences and what have you gain in life. No human is perfect. But we just have to learn to see imperfection as perfect. If to have a life of celebrity is so great, why do they face more problems at times? If you treat someone as a hi-bye friend, then people will treat you the same as well. I've been dumb enough to have put so much trust till this day, i have to again sacrifice my time for emoing and losing my own focus. I cannot blame anyone for this, it's just a wrong move that i've taken in life. A move which i hope is not a wrong one, but now, i'm really confused if my own moves is killing me. Regret? Someone told me that regret is not the way to handle life. Did i regret? Nope, i never regret.

Sometimes i feel a little angry, a little sad, and a little happy. My emotions are totally mixed up. I'm angry because i think everything changes so sudden, it makes our friendship a dream which i hope i never had. I'm a little sad, because i have to lose someone which i respected so much, but i also learn that it's a wrong concept to have given so much respect to someone. I wish to say u're matured enough to accept this respect, but today, i start to think every humans are equal. I'm happy, because i know i've learn a lesson which is good enough for me to understand life. I'm going to face my final exam soon, i feel unprepared, i have this feeling that i will not make it through as well as before. It's okie, i've lost my value in the society, i'm no longer a capable engineering student in my own perception. All my efforts that i've accumulated, will end in 2 weeks time. I could have change my fate, but i couldn't accept that my concept is all wrong, that friendship, is just something that will come and go easily.