My Diary

3.06pm February 22 2010.

2010-02-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

Hi Ireen, I really appreciated that you finally make a call on me. I treasure that moment very much. I'm just having a little doubt, are we getting closer to each other? or are we just maintaining as friends? what is our relationship? I really can't figure it out. However, that doesn't matter anymore. I feel happy being myself here, and i also feel happy knowing that you're happy whenever i chat with you. That is enough for me. Can a guy wait forever? This question pretty challenging because i seldom see any guys manage to achieve that far. I also do not want to end up waiting and cause failure to my own future. I want everyone around me to be happy, especially you. I'm still thinking if the day would ever arrive, the day which i would say "i love you ireen" ? haha. Ppl start accusing you, saying that you're a playgurl, but none of this can affect me badly. Even a playgurl needs to settle down one day and of course, nobody hopes to be victim of marriage failure. Me and you, we will definitely make it there. Just be patient.

Love You As Deep As The Deepest Sea.

A Totally Different Me. 1.05pm 30/1/2010

2010-01-29T21:05:00.001-08:00

It has been sometime since i update this blog. I believe this is a good news for me, because it simply means that i haven't been emotional for a long time. :) . I think i've finally understood what it means to be alone. It's not the worst thing that could happen in life, in fact, why do we need to always have relationships? to make ourself happier? It's pretty true that having a relationship before your career starts means puppy love. I have to admit, as humans, we live in jealousy most of the time. However, it makes me ponder how a man could actually be immune to all the things around him. It's simply the focus.

We try to change people around us, but it doesn't work this way. People change when they understand something new, they don't change because we tell them "they suck". If we don't like the people around us, we leave them. There is really no point telling people off, once is enough, twice is waste of time. Ireen, you taught me alot of things, i've finally understood many of them. I remember you whenever i try to understand something new, because you mentioned most of them to me before. I was childish before, and, i don't expect to be matured by force, let things go freely shall we? Anyway, I have decided to leave the game and deleted all my friends from that game as well. Its one way to remove the unnecessary people from my world. I can thank them sincerely deep in me because i know i've learnt something valuable from that game.

2/11/09 . 3.32pm

2009-11-01T23:32:00.001-08:00

Finally you came back. But, will it make any changes? No, nothing would changed. Maybe,i still hardly have the courage to face you. How could i face you anyway, we've such a deep misunderstanding. Even if one day, someone clears the air for us, it would really be difficult for me to accept this friendship. I've started to realize that everything started from this game, will eventually end in this game as well. It's rather stupid to guess, who am i to you. I'm a kid in your eyes, but you're not any better in my eyes either. This is life, you get to express yourself more because you're working, you have income. I get to express because i was given a chance by my parents, but, still, listening to them does make me suffer at times. I'll return to my life, and you'll return to yours as well. We don't owe each other anything, if i have to admit that i'm being one sided all the way, i accept it. I admit that i lost in my own game, i checkmated myself, and i was living in my fantasy all the while. Snakekiller was right, he got your trust, or did he? Suddenly i felt as though i was nothing compared to someone who just know you for 1 month? 1 year friendship, to be compared with 1 month, yes, lady, you're really matured to make such comparison. Time will tell, that's what GOD told me. and i shall wait... for a long time.. to know the actual truth of 16/9/09.

29th of October 2009 , 4.20pm

2009-10-29T01:18:00.000-07:00

Hello ireen, ;) , i'm very happy today because i've finally received my result. It's an average one, and i'm really suprised to have it. Anyway, i know it's not the standard of engineer that i wish to be. I don't know why many students didn't get good result, but , that's not my concern anymore. I no longer blame you for the past, let bygone be bygone. The god has pave a new a way for me, because HE who brought you to my life, will definitely do the best for me again. I thank god very much till this date, and i realize, everything, could have been planned by god earlier. I do not want to put too much hope in asking for god's help, i'm going to try my best, to the man i want to be. You know, i never serious with anyone after you, well , i know you've been through weird memories during your childhood, i can understand a little, eventhough not everything. We're both from single parents, even if you can't forgive me, i'll still forgive you because i once promised to be your protector, your man.

25/10/09 1.45pm

2009-10-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hi ireen, it has been a long time since i ever posted here. I did told you that i will never drop this blog, even if it means you're no longer with me. My holiday is finally coming to an end, i've also recovered as much as i should. I took a flight back from Kuala Terengganu to Kuala Lumpur, i thought of you for a moment, i have a little idea of what you've been through on the plane. Ireen, do you agree that our story is over? I'm not going to mention about you in my next post, but rather im going to write my own life journal, what makes me a better person in the future.

All the time, i've been trying to find answers, as to why you acted this way towards me. I know it wasn't my appearance, it was more to my attitude, behaviour. You're right, my personality could hardly change, it's nearly impossible. However, i know what i'm doing, you don't see me lashing out at you often, do you? IF you think i've been rude to you, then you musn't forget that i didnt' like the emojee "o0o" as i've told you before. I asked you for a respect, but you said you love that emojee very much. It is then i thought, any vulgarities between us, is all joke, and nothing was serious. You've proven me wrong.

Gurls can seriously change so fast that i couldn't even cope up with it. I've discussed and complaint to my friends several time. I asked for their opinions, not because i'm trying to make things big, or spreading rumours about you. I'm confused, and i couldn't do anything about it. I had to face my final exams, and i did real bad, real real bad. Yes, your work is important, i agree with it very much, but i've given up my studies to find an answer from you, which you did not provide me a single one even before you leave, do you know how much the moment i was in kedah cost?

I'm a nobody before i know you, but atleast i was one of the top undergradute in my university, but who am i today? I'm worse than a nobody, i'm a failure. How could this happen to me? I'm not going to blame anyone for this. I've lost all my faith in gurls, and i thank you very much for that. Maybe you might be wondering, what could you have done for me for that moment, I can tell you honestly today, that it wasn't the love that i was seeking from you, it is the friendship that we've built so long ago. After 1 year, you make me realize, i'm just a stranger.

Everything you gave me, is so big, so important. Everything i've sacrificed for you, is nothing? This is not how it should be. You make me a realistic person, and i'm happy to be one. People told me that you're afraid of me, you scared that i'll lose control and harm you? To be frank with you, i train alot, i go to gym, i used to love fighting, but , charles never hit anyone before. I'm just preparing myself for the worse, i did not train myself to harm my important person. You wish to be my friend? But you're the one who breaks up the friendship.

Do you think i'm willing to admit that i want you to be my girlfriend? Not at all. I never ever admit it. Everyone knows it. Yes, finally, i've admitted that i love you, then what? You left me when i've finally admitted. You make the whole story change. You make me feel like i'm a fool trying to love someone higher than me. I never use my brain when i chat with you, i never think whether you're trying to fool me or not because i don't doubt the person i trust. It was then 2 stories arises, 1 from you, another from me. No matter it was me who loves you, or you who loves me, only heaven knows what's happening here.

My friends told me, it is not an excuse for you choosing not to meet me. I agree with them very much. After all, what is our status? Friend? Internet Friend? I don't know , honestly. I talked about you with my friends, like you were my closest one, i never mention to them that i actually met you from the internet. Worst of all, meetoto. My mother knows about you, my step sisters, my brothers, and many others. Till this date, i've no courage to tell that my mother that i've been to kedah before my finals. I told her that i've problems with you, and that's going to take a toll on my exams.

Ireen, i've lost alot of things today. Your wish came true, i didn't get my PTPTN loan, and i've to start from the bottom again. I don't know how far am i going to fail this time, but in a realistic world, it is nearly impossible for me to be with you again. We're not really that suitable for one another right? No trust, no understanding, nothing. I've met another young lady from meetoto, she's just 16, and she accompanied me during my final exams. I'm not going to lie to you, i think i like her already. I'm going to play real smart today, she's 16, so i won't trust every words from her. She needs time to grow. Remember how i took the trap from Miyako because You and Desmond(mrstranger) accused me for flirting with her? To you, showing webcam is something different, it goes the same to me.

However, i don't trust a single words from anyone. I just believe in actions, and myself. I cannot afford to make another mistake due to relationship problems. Do you know how guilty i was to take money from my mother when i knew i actually disappoint them in my studies? My mother continue to love me, because she believes, i am one of the hope of my family. Maybe you've forgotten, my parents left me when i was 8. I am not any luckier than your brother. IF you think he lacks of love, where do you think i'm going?

I cannot live my life with someone unforgiving. I know i'm the type that will make many mistakes in life, basically, the way i think is seriously different with many people. During secondary, i was an anti socialist. I changed only when i stepped into university, and that will still make an impact on me. In of my post here, you saw that i actually asked for words of encouragement from you before you leave, but did you even send me a sms or called me before you leave? What were you thinking at that time? I seriously , blank.

Maturity is different matter. Do not mix your job with love. Love is Love, Money is Money. Charles did not love you for your money, charles did not ask you to choose between money and love, but all i want is for us to be happy together everytime, no matter whether we're couples or not. Till this date, i won't admit you as my girlfriend. We were never, once, a couple. If you leave with a happy mind, it's good for you, but nothing goes well for me. Am i selfish? or is it the opposite? I don't know. Perhaps, im being too kind over here. I shouldn't have tried to be important to you, or, did i ever been important to you? or is it just your words that make me a fool?

I seriously cannot figure out why is it so difficult for us to leave each other happily. Why? Does it has to be sad everytime? I don't understand. To me, i can leave happily, anyone, anytime. But, i always want to make sure the others are happy too. That is why, i never left meetoto until last nite. Because maylynne did alot for me to stay in meetoto, she voted me to be a forum moderator, she supported me whenever im sad. To list the person who stayed with me during my hell moment, there's alot. But who understand what's going on here? Maybe nobody.

For those who thought that i've hurt you, or harm you, today, charles is going to tell each and every one of them, that it's idiotic to harm a person that you love. Moreoever, she's important to me. She broke my heart, she shaken my faith, she make me choose between her and my studies, she did many things, never a lady could have done this to me. Ireen's a legend in my life ;)

8/10/09 12pm

2009-10-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

hi reen ;) , finally i've completed my exam , hmm, quite tough, but i think i still can make it through this time, hopefully. Tomorrow will be a new day for me, i hope i can decide what i want to do in the future, what's really important to me. Honestly, i've been really stupid few weeks back, but i really cannot control my feelings and emotions, and worst of all , it has already affected me badly this time. I don't wish to blame anyone for this, we just have to admit, we have different thinking, we cannot combine our world, or can we? I don't think so, i just realize, there are many types of maturity, somehow, i don't think your decision was correct, i don't know why, after thinking for so long, i start to think that it's not only me that is selfish, you're even worse isn't it? well, you can deny all you want. Your aim in life is to earn alot of money, that to you, is a success. Yes, to me, money is really important, but losing you is equally as important as that. I think i will continue living on, without you. But, i know i've found the true meaning of love, and what's love without being there with them ;).. hehe

30th September 2009. 3.06pm

2009-09-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

It takes awhile before we can really understand the fact that we cannot change the way someone thinks. I've tried my best to be forgiving, but did you ever thought of forgiving me? Maturity, is something that is subjected to many types of views.

Having alot of money, earning big monies, is that one of the measures to maturity? In my opinion, it's the concept u've adopted throughout your experiences and what have you gain in life. No human is perfect. But we just have to learn to see imperfection as perfect. If to have a life of celebrity is so great, why do they face more problems at times? If you treat someone as a hi-bye friend, then people will treat you the same as well. I've been dumb enough to have put so much trust till this day, i have to again sacrifice my time for emoing and losing my own focus. I cannot blame anyone for this, it's just a wrong move that i've taken in life. A move which i hope is not a wrong one, but now, i'm really confused if my own moves is killing me. Regret? Someone told me that regret is not the way to handle life. Did i regret? Nope, i never regret.

Sometimes i feel a little angry, a little sad, and a little happy. My emotions are totally mixed up. I'm angry because i think everything changes so sudden, it makes our friendship a dream which i hope i never had. I'm a little sad, because i have to lose someone which i respected so much, but i also learn that it's a wrong concept to have given so much respect to someone. I wish to say u're matured enough to accept this respect, but today, i start to think every humans are equal. I'm happy, because i know i've learn a lesson which is good enough for me to understand life. I'm going to face my final exam soon, i feel unprepared, i have this feeling that i will not make it through as well as before. It's okie, i've lost my value in the society, i'm no longer a capable engineering student in my own perception. All my efforts that i've accumulated, will end in 2 weeks time. I could have change my fate, but i couldn't accept that my concept is all wrong, that friendship, is just something that will come and go easily.

26th September 1.49pm 2009.

2009-09-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

Hi ireen, today definitely won't be the last day for me to post here :) . I won't stop posting, even if you can't be bothered to read anything anymore. It's fine for me. I just know things are going to get difficult from the day u left. Actually, i've thought for a long time. Maybe we're seriously not suitable for one another. Communication, to me, is a very important tool to make us understand one another, also, it will tell me why you've changed, or why i've changed. There's always a reason for sudden changes, it's just sometimes it's not easy to accept the reason. I always believe that in a relationship, it's best if i wouldn't have to treat you as my girlfriend. I would rather be close to you, as like your family members. Then, no matter how much arguments we had in the past, everything will soothe out eventually. I won't blame you for my failures. I've lost someone important, i've lost my studies, many things. But nobody to be blamed. It's just me who couldn't understand you well enough. Whether i'm selfish or not, it's really too subjective to be said. You've chosen your path, and i'm still stuck here with my emotions. Am i really that weak? I believe not. I choose to post this today, it shows that i'm getting on my path as well. I finally realize, the one that might be selfish, may not be me. Why do i have to take all the blame? Is it me who wanted to express my love to you? I've covered my feelings well enough, atleast for a year. You unleashed it, and you left. I also realize, why i acted strangely before you leave. I've been traumatised by my family events, i'm simply the type of person who never wants someone important to leave me. Anyway, hope that there will be some time and space for both of us to grow. Perhaps, we both do not really understand love.

20th september 2009. 12.07am

2009-09-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

halo ireen, you just left for dubai yesterday. Well, i can tell you that i miss you. But not as badly as before. I've learn the way to let go, and i pray for your return. I don't know if you really still think of me or not, but it's okay for me. I want to be the type of man i always want to be, i only love you, and will only learn to love you. Losing you is a pain, but it's not everything. You've made me a man, maybe i've not learn the hard way yet, but certainly i've learn something from you when i was at kedah. You did not hurt me, you've taught me another lesson. I see it in a positive way, because that's the type of guy i want to be in the future. I thank you for all the lessons you've taught me, because i'm very happy to let you know that i'm still here , for you. Remember, an adult does not change easily, only kid always change ;P .. haha, anyway, you know it by heart, one day , who is charles ;)

13th of September 2009. 2.07pm

2009-09-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I'm feeling better everyday, but i still think of you. It's not really that i'm reluctant to let you go, but it's the sudden changes in you. You never let me have the feeling as i once respected you very much. You seem to be unforgiving, but i believe, you've forgiven me. Maybe you just refuse to say it out, because you want to teach me a lesson. This lesson is painful, really. I'm not worried about the lesson, i knew i was wrong, and i've also tried to do something about it. You can say that i will not change in a few days, but it's a fact that i've decided to go and find you. Eventhough this plan does not work, it's okay. I don't like to go against you, maybe i always express myself with you. I tell you what i think, and it does not go along with your idea, and you assume that i'm going against you. Maybe. I don't know. I hurt you alot, but i really cannot afford to lose you. Do i really have to find another new girl? But i can't. I'm trying to be responsible for the words i've uttered. I said before that you're one of the most important person in my life, how can i retract such word. Maybe i love to rush things. I'm just nervous because the time is giving me a big pressure. Here i had lessons from you, there i have to face my final exams. Maybe this is the real test in life that i've to go through. At this moment, sometimes, i feel like giving up. I dare not to ask anything from you anymore. Things that don't work for now, let's drop it first. I just really really really really hope, if you still care for our future, do give me a word of encouragement before you leave. I'm not being selfish, but without the spirit to work for future, i don't know how am i going thru this moment. I believe you still want me to be successful, i know you won't see me dying here, because i won't see u suffer alone as well.

10th September 2009. 12.11PM

2009-09-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Eventhough i did not know why you suddenly became like that, but i still believe in you. You're always gonna be my dream gal. I won't let you go, it's so impossible. I won't hold you back, as i've promised. Yes, I've been acting strange lately. I'm being overly emotional, because i felt as though i've lost someone important to me. No matter how you treat me, whether you still care for me, it does not change your position in me. I just have to believe, and continue to move on. 1 + 1 is not always equals to 2. Tell me that i'll make it through :)

9/09/09 12.14pm

2009-09-08T21:14:00.001-07:00

I've manage to pass half day, but it's really tough. I'm not sure if i'm able to pass everyday like this. Tell me that nothing is gonna happen to me. Tell me that i'm strong enough to endure all this. Why did i trust you in the first place? Why? Why so stupid? Why am i an idiot who trusted someone so much? Will I have the courage to move on? I don't know. I used to wonder, why guys could suicide for such small matter, but today, i've finally understood. I brainwashed myself everyday to obey you, to listen to you, to love you the most. I never thought we could end up this way. Maybe, i'm too silly to even take things seriously. I should have just protected you in silence. Why did i even appear to you telling you what i'm going to do? Why? What's going to happen tomorrow? I hope someone could end my suffering.

8th of September 2009, 11.37pm

2009-09-08T08:37:00.001-07:00

Tonight will be the last nite i cry for everything that has happened. It's okay, i believe i'm strong enough to endure this. I don't know what you're thinking, maybe i just made a big mistake. You weren't the lady i was looking for. I don't know what's the meaning of keep changing, i don't know what's maturity, i don't know what's love. I just know i've put my trust in the wrong way, i went too deep, too deep for me to pull myself out. You're great lady, you made me sad for nearly a week, you made me cry several times, you've taken the best out of me, you brought the worse out of me as well. Eventhough i've failed in 1 of my midterm paper, i did not go around shouting that i've scored full marks for the other. Intelligent or not, successful or not, let the future decide. You pick who you want to be, you've chosen for yourself. My lady, for one last time, i advise you not to play with someone feeling. Not everyone is weak like me, but there are people out there worse than me. I cannot predict your thinking, i just know i've think too much, that it affects me mentally and physically. I love You, it's true, I miss you, It's true, But please do not say that you've not met a good guy before. Because you've just missed one. One day, hopefully i can tell you that i've not failed my own words. Honestly, i do feel like dying, but then i can't leave my mother alone. I have to work my best. You, Lady Ireen, has taken a great toll on Charles. Do not explain for things you've done, please, don't. It's okie if i can't see you anymore, don't have your pictures.I know i will die with no regrets from today onwards, because this pain has killed all in me. You've Won. Goodbye.

7th September 2009. 10pm

2009-09-07T07:05:00.001-07:00

These few days, i've been acting strangely. I don't know, maybe it's because i might get to see you soon, i felt nervous, worried as well. I kept thinking of you, i really did try to control myself. Maybe, expressing myself tonite would a better way for me to release myself. I need to get back my focus, but at the same time, i cannot get you off my mind. I realized, i saw it coming already, i will miss you even worse if you leave for dubai. Why is this happening to me? I mean, i'm not blaming you, it's just, why this feeling, so weird. I never felt something like this before. What feeling is this? I will try to keep myself focus, and be happy everyday. I think i'll be okay if i sad for few nights, soon i'll get used to it. It's a good training for my patience and personality though. That's why i refuse to let you go, because you will cause me great sadness, at the same time, only you, will bring me to a new height. How are we going face the coming days? I don't know, seriously, i don't know. I never thought i could get this weak, i never had. My friends once told me, i'll be okay in a few days, because this is me. I was never serious in anything, except for gaining my own knowledge. But, maybe because i'm already 21, i couldn't be as normal as back 19. I wish i could, honestly, i wish i could have someone to tell me, what feeling is this. I wish someone could tell me, how can i get through this, I have no idea. Really, Down~.

1.13am , 4th of September

2009-09-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Erm, Yesterday we had some arguments. Eventho it's just for a small matter, but this time, the argument had an impact on us. I just realize , we don't understand one another. Well, maybe i was confused. You never really admitted about your feelings, you were asking me to guess. So, should i really guess it? Well, of course i always wish for the best part, but i don't like to make too much of wild guess. I really wish i was given the time to understand you, will you give up? I don't know. If you do, then maybe, the way you see relationships is much different with me. Our views are not same. I'm not always right, but i always give myself a chance to learn. I also give myself a chance to listen to others, why is it so difficult to listen and tolerate? Sometimes, i tolerate with you, not because i think i'm wrong, but it's a way to keep us closer again. Maybe you felt that you've tolerated with me, but, did I really force my way into you? or did you force your way into me? I don't know Ireen. I always respect you, and i never thought to be with you. You used to joke around, that the type of guy you want, is more than the type i can be. So, how could i even dare to think so far? You taught me realistic, and now i'm just accepting myself as a student, being more realistic to myself. I'm not very smart, i not sure if i can achieve professionalism in my career, but i will surely used what you've taught me to reach to that level. You're not in my plan, because i don't want to hold you back. You should go further, and i shall continue to love you, forever, and ever. I'll be there when you need me. Promise. (Love You).

27th August 2009. 12am.

2009-08-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's very fortunate that today, everything revert back to normal. Maybe the feelings are no longer the same, but this is the feeling that i want. I don't wish to get too close to you, afraid that i might feel the emptiness when you leave malaysia later. I appreciate every moment i spend with you, eventhough, at times, we had some unnecessary jokes, well, you know what i mean right. haha. Sometimes, we look back at the past, and we smile. That's a very good sentence. Both of us have our own future, and only with that one future, we can make differences. Maybe today i can't achieve what i want, i can't hold you back, hopefully, someday, i'm able to get you back. I understand, every events that happen today, which affect both of us, surely is due my under-achievement. "Whenever You Call".

7.03am 25th of August 2009

2009-08-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Finally you've told me the date of you leaving Malaysia, eventhough i was sad last nite, i've accepted it well. I couldn't control my emotions last nite, so , i didn't manage to act as though i was fine. But from the day i was close to you, i knew that this will happen some day. I saw it coming, so there's nothing to be sad about it. Just like how i should have prepared for my finals, things that we know will happen, let's not think too much about it. Instead, we should be figuring ways to prepare ourself to accept it. Ireen, i wish you all the best when you get there. I won't close down this blog, it's impossible. I will also proceed with my plan to get a tattoo. You said i will regret, maybe i won't. It makes me feel more like a man once you've said that you're going to leave. If i gonna be like those kids out there who tried to hold you back, not allowing you to achieve what you should achieve, then i must have forgotten what you've taught me months back I might be rude to you recently, maybe i get too tempted to be rude to you because u were close with me, but i still keep in mind that you're my important person, and i shall listen to you, and i will also not allow such feelings to destroy our future. :)

1.46am. 19th August 2009.

2009-08-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

We're getting closer each day. Our feelings getting stronger too. But are we really going towards the proper direction? I don't know. Maybe you're having extra time because you're not on duty yet, but, i do appreciate every single moment i spend with you. I believe this will be my strength, even it won't last, it does not matter. This is sweet, it will last in my memory, for a long time. To have the attention of someone important to you, it's more than wonderful. It's perfect. As i used to say, i'll be professional in handling many issues. I try my best okie? You also have to give me a chance to be one right. No matter how much jealousy or anger you could have created in me at times, nothing matters anymore when it comes to your happiness, your health. We have some fun times together, but when we get serious, we do get serious right? :) . Just promise, or, should we not take in any promises anymore? Anyway, Let's just hope we don't have any serious quarrel which might affect our impression on one another. May this feeling last forever, even i know it's impossible, i rather had it as my fantasy. My happiest moment at the age of 21. I Love You. Ireen. goodnite. God Bless Us ;)

10th August 2009, 10.39pm.

2009-08-10T07:39:00.001-07:00

Ireen, today i went to check my test result =_= . Unfortunately, i failed. However, it's not because i did not put enough effort in my studies, it's just, luck and time. I just felt useless, because again i failed to keep my promise. I really don't have the courage to chat with you. Worst of all, i failed myself. But There's still time before my final exam. I believe i can always try harder, change what i can change as long as it's not fixed. Maybe today i've made the wrong move, but as long as i have tomorrow, i can still change tomorrow. I need to go further, I want to tell the world that i am somebody, and then only i have the victorious feeling that i can reveal to others that i've not failed the one i respect. Your life sounds fun at times, but most of the time, it's stressful. I pledge to help you in the future, i have only a future to bet. Now just pray hard, and work harder and smarter. Let's us both see how far we can go in future ;)

Next Post, 9th of August 2009, 1am.

2009-08-08T09:54:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time, since i posted here. I just tried my best not to get too attached to you. I'm afraid, yes, very much, i am. Eventhough we can sound so serious, like a couple, or like a teacher and a student, like a brother and a sister, i'm unsure where do i stay in your heart. OF course i always wish for the best position, but i do know what's important to you. Yet, i do not ask for more, because i should have my own important things to do. I really do think alot after every session chatting/ joking with you. Sometimes, i really do feel that i've fallen in love with you, is it a good thing? It's never good to fall in love, unless the love itself creates miracle within the couple. Right? I understand this part, and i always make sure that my feelings for you will never burden me, or you. I just do not know how to describe it, but i want to care for you, i might not be your man in the future, but i will want to be a man someday. I do think being matured is not about being emotional, or act as though i know more about life compared to you. You're serious, i'm serious too, but when we're chatting with one another, we jokingly flirt with one another. That feeling, it's mixed. I don't know if you were for real, i don't know if i can go for real, why does it has to be a guessing game? IS it because that i've fallen for air hostess? so it should be a game? Or is it that i can never like ireen without loving her job? hmm...

26/7/2009 - Another Post

2009-07-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

3.15am - Hi ireen, so happy to see you online today. We always have alot of discussion about the present and the future but what really excite me the most is when we both had the same thinking in a way to achieve something. "There is no rushing to perfection". In fact, it's your way, but it has been adopted by me and very soon, i believe, i will be able to understand your concept totally. One day, with hopes, i will achieve the position that i've waited all along. I only had a future to bet, once i miss it, it's gone. I cannot afford to lose my time, but , i also cannot put extra pressure into myself because then, i'll be no different with others. I'm sorry that i've stopped posting few days back, because i really had things troubling me. Loads of work, and i don't know where to begin with. Anyway, i just wanna let you know, i still have the fire in me. If after trying 10 times, i can't achieve it, i'll try 100 times, after 100 times, i'll try another 1000 times. The conclusion, i'll try till i achieve what i need to achieve. Wish me luck , because i must be able to protect you someday ;)

7th Post, 1.03am 17th July 2009.

2009-07-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

Well, today i was kinda moody, because i just couldn't pay attention to what my lecturer is trying to teach, i felt quite disappointed, because i have to force myself to listen even i can't understand a thing. I didn't chat much with you today, because i'm trying to distance myself away. I know i can't idolize a human, it's way too wrong. But Deep inside, i still misses you. I know you'll be doing fine, but not everyone is strong all the time. I also felt that you kept many things within yourself, it's your habit. Am i wrong? Maybe yes, Maybe not. I'm the type of person who doesn't love bothering people nowadays, so, i give you all the freedoms you need, because i have lots more to learn from you. One day, I'll be a man. Goodnite Ireen ;)

6th Post, 6.11pm 15/7/09

2009-07-15T03:10:00.000-07:00

Halo Ireen, haha, finally i showed my picture in msn isn't it? dissapointing? whatever :P . Reality is like that right? Well, i really wished that i didn't go out last nite, so i can chat with you awhile on msn. I saw your messages, really miss you. Wonder how you're doing today. I couldn't post any message here last nite because i was busy too. Haiz. It's okay, i'm working hard here too, but i just felt like i lack of something. You know what? communications, socializing. I need to mix more with adults, more professionals, so they could give me more advise and i will also get to learn more from them. It's not easy to be an expert money maker, but the steps are there. We just need to learn right? I'll catch up with you someday, hopefully. That's all for now, miss you, muakzzz. ;)

5th Post. 14/7/09 12am

2009-07-13T08:38:00.001-07:00

Heyo Ireen , wow, so happy to see you online again. haha. But then i think you're quite busy today. It's okie, it's not like i wanna bother you or what :) . Kinda happy to hear u saying that sometimes you waited for my reply, hahaha. Well, actually, i do not wait for your reply all the time, sometimes i'm doing my work too, but if there's 2 msges, 1 from you, another from my friend, i'll choose to reply you first. It's not because you're a girl, you're pretty,sexy and that i like you, It's just, I have my own priorities in life. I just want you to remember, that i choose you as my teacher, the most important woman in my life, not because i want something from you. It's just, i felt bonded with you. I know it's useless to keep repeating that you're important, i also do not know why, but certainly i'll choose u over my gf, or my wife. I'll listen to you, that's how much influence you have in me. Why did i pick you? I don't know, I just felt like it. Even i am to be a dog near you, i'll won't be a useless dog. :) . Goodnite Ireen.

4th post, 1.28Am, 13th of July 2009

2009-07-12T10:28:00.002-07:00

Ireen ar ireen arrrr , why didn't you online the whole day!!! .. hahaha.. but it's okay also. Today hor, i woke up quite late.. wahahaha.. because i slept at 2am last nite omg!!!! .. i'm just too tired. even now, you see, i have to sleep late. But tomorrow have to wake up at 8am lo. I spend my time properly also these few days, but i'm starting to feel over dependent on my assistant to help me do my work.. .argh.. really sad. I wanna try my best to help them, but my laptop is too sucky.. hehe. By the way, how are you? I hope you're fine. Everyday, i think of you, i reminded myself not to lose focus. I have a few aims, to be smart, to be active, to be rich like you ;) . I'm seriously looking forward to test myself and see how long am i willing to miss you, to wait for you, to work hard hoping that one day i'll be useful to you. Future talk is really useless, let's take another step forward tomorrow. That's all for tonitee, goodnite ireen. Muakz ;)

3rd Post. 12/7/09

2009-07-11T10:03:00.001-07:00

Today i was happy to see you online in msn, it really suprises me as i thought that you've been on duty for the past few days that's why i couldn't see you in msn. We chatted alot, many many and many. Sometimes, i couldn't get what you're thinking, i start to wonder, if i can really make my future dream a reality. As i chat with you , more, i'm starting to feel as though i'm sharing your problems, i know i'm sharing it, because it does not trouble me like it did to you, but it gives me the spirit to work hard, in a hope, that one day, i can help you lessen your burden. I don't know if such feelings were true, maybe its just temporary, maybe i'm still immature. Just hope that you know, that i'm always here for you, atleast for now. I won't forget what you've taught me, even i'm still far from perfection, this is seriously the first time i felt matured and i know i'm already in love. That's all for today, Goodnite Ireen.

2nd Post

2009-07-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

12:48 am, on 11th of july 2009,

I didn't think of you as much as i did yesterday, but i still misses you very much. I like the jokes you made everytime you chat with me, haha. It's hilarious. Today i learn something, but maybe it's nothing at all. I noticed that it's not easy to gain command of your subordinate immediately, yes, being a boss sounds fun, but actually it's not. I'm worried that i might depend too much on others to do my work, or maybe, i should start to takeover their work as well. Ireen, i hope you're doing fine out there. :) . Goodnite. Muakz

MY First Post

2009-07-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hi reen, i'm sure you are suprised as to why did i created this blog for, Well, as you can see, i just wanna tell you things at certain days, or maybe everyday, but i know you're always busy, and so i can't tell you everything and bother you with my stuff, it's okay, i just felt like you've listened to me eventhough you might not even know the existence of this blog. It's 12.12am on 10th of july 2009, and i'll start a little with my day.

I slept late last nite, around 2am, and woke up around 9am this morning. I had to participate in some club activities and it really took my time away from me.09/07 Today, i'm going to face my midterm test in some subjects, and yet, i still can afford to spend my time on club activities, what can i do about it, i cannot just study all the way right, i have to contribute something , somehow, right? I don't wanna be lazy, because i know i wasn't born to be one.

Let me skip the others and tell you a little about what have i learn from holding a position in a club. I start to realize that it's not easy when you have to manage people and at the same time, get them to obey you. As you get into higher position, things would be a little harder, and you'll be learning more. Sometimes, peoples are jealous of you, but what can we do about it? In reality, i know i have to work even harder, it's not a position that i want in the club, i was chosen, and i believe, in reality too, we don't always get the job that we want, right? It's just the beginning of my busy life. I hope i still can do well in studies as i've promised you, and myself. ;) . I'm going to study an hour before i sleep, that's all for today. Thanks. Muakz.